How do you respond when someone tells you that they’ve found an “abnormality” in your cervix that, could be nothing, or could be cancer? What do you say to that?
I said “okay”…. because that’s all I could manage at the time.
Last month I went in for my first official pap test. It was surprisingly easy! It left me feeling slightly uncomfortable for a couple hours, but other then that it was easy peasy lemon squeezy. The doctors at the clinic said that I really didn’t need a pap test because they’ve now started doing them only for women who have been sexually active for three years. I insisted that I wanted one… just in case. And I’m glad I did.
This morning I got the call with my test results. The woman from the clinic said the test had discovered some “abnormalities” in my cervix.
“It could be nothing,” she said. “Or it could be an early indicator of cervical cancer, we’re not sure yet.”
She told me that I needed to make an appointment for a second pap test in 6 months; if they find the same anomalies again they will then send me to a gynecologist to do more extensive testing. If I do indeed have cancer they will pursue treatment. This was the procedure, she assured me, and not to worry… it could be nothing.
Clearly she doesn’t know me! If you’ve read my last blog post you will know that “worry” is my middle name! I’ve now been sitting here pondering the fact that I have to wait 6 months to find out if I’m fine or that I might, possibly, maybe have cervical cancer. Should I spend the next 6 months doing all the things I’ve always wanted to do bucket list style? Or should I just start planning my funeral? Will my birthday next month be the last one I celebrate?
I know this may seem like an overreaction, but hearing the word “abnormality” and “cancer” used in the same sentence to describe your body is a little scary.
Along with my usual worrying I’ve been weighing the pros and cons. Pros: I’m young and strong enough to fight this if it turns out to be cancer. Cancer treatment has improved over the years and more people survive everyday. Like the doctor said “it could be nothing”. Cons: my dad had cancer, which doesn’t bode well in my favour. I could have cancer, a disease that they don’t technically have a cure for. Treatment for this cancer (in extreme cases removing the uterus) could ruin my dreams of becoming a mother.
It’s a lot to think about and something I wish I didn’t have to consider on such a lovely spring day. However, knowing what I know now I want to initiate some awareness. If you are a lady and haven’t had a pap test, go get one. They’re free and could save your life. Also, if you have the funds, consider getting the vaccination for HPV (which can cause cervical cancer). If you are a man and have a lady that you care about encourage her to get tested like I did… just in case. This is all I can really do as of now. In July I’ll have my second test and will be able to tell you more.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Worry Warts Anonymous
“Hi, my name is Amanda and I… am a worry wart!”
“Hi Amanda.”
“I had my last worry at 11:30 this morning. I started worrying when I was young, just a kid really. Back then I’d worry about never seeing my parents again after they left for work. I always had daymares that they would get killed in a car accident and never come home. Nowadays I worry about pretty much everything, even things that don’t technically exist. I blame three things for my worrying ways: 1) my over active imagination, 2) my (undiagnosed) separation anxiety from my family fostered in me as a child by two busy parents and 3) my mother’s extreme love for me giving her the tendency to worry which I then learned to copy. These three factors, mixed together, make a vicious cocktail of worry wart syndrome.”
“Testify!”
“I have suffered. Worrying is not fun, nor is it easy! It takes dedication and a good dosage of crazy to make a true worrier and I have dedication and crazy in spades! I have spent long, sleepless nights worrying about imaginary scenarios. I have broken out into hives over a worry that has started out small and then grown to consume me (like most of them do). I have tried many techniques to try and suppress my worrying: deep breathing, finding my happy place, mantras and alcohol! None of these worked. Why? Probably because my worry wart tendencies are so deeply rooted that they have become part of who I am. They are what makes me tick (sometimes twitch) and the only real thing I can do about it is to accept it! This morning I had a worry that got so big I started to sweat. My boyfriend was supposed to go pick up a painting that we had received as a gift from a friend. I called him to remind him of this fact, but every time I called his phone would say “we’re sorry, the person you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time.” My boyfriend never turns off his phone, so this was cause for concern. I tried texting him; nothing. I tried messaging him on Gtalk; nothing. I tried calling our friend to see if she’d seen him yet; nothing! This is when my over active imagination starts to wiggle. I imagined him getting mugged on the street and thrown in a gutter while the robbers made away with his phone. I pictured him going into a store to grab a drink on his way to the subway, when the store suddenly gets held up and he’s shot by a masked gunman! I also thought of train derailments, car accidents, gang warfare and abduction. Finally, boyfriend shows up on Gtalk and casually messages me a ‘good morning’… he’d been sleeping the entire time! The reason his phone wasn’t working was because it had disconnected randomly from the cell network(my phone does that too sometimes, damn Rogers). Sleeping in + disconnected phone = one frazzled Amanda. With apologies, soothing words and promises of pampering me during the weekend, boyfriend was able to get me to stop worrying. I then apologized for my spastic behaviour; he said it was okay and that he understands. Understands! That’s what I’ve needed from myself this entire time, some fucking understanding. Hi, my name is Amanda, I am a worry wart and I understand this. I accept it and am attempting to move on!”
*slow clap*
“Hi Amanda.”
“I had my last worry at 11:30 this morning. I started worrying when I was young, just a kid really. Back then I’d worry about never seeing my parents again after they left for work. I always had daymares that they would get killed in a car accident and never come home. Nowadays I worry about pretty much everything, even things that don’t technically exist. I blame three things for my worrying ways: 1) my over active imagination, 2) my (undiagnosed) separation anxiety from my family fostered in me as a child by two busy parents and 3) my mother’s extreme love for me giving her the tendency to worry which I then learned to copy. These three factors, mixed together, make a vicious cocktail of worry wart syndrome.”
“Testify!”
“I have suffered. Worrying is not fun, nor is it easy! It takes dedication and a good dosage of crazy to make a true worrier and I have dedication and crazy in spades! I have spent long, sleepless nights worrying about imaginary scenarios. I have broken out into hives over a worry that has started out small and then grown to consume me (like most of them do). I have tried many techniques to try and suppress my worrying: deep breathing, finding my happy place, mantras and alcohol! None of these worked. Why? Probably because my worry wart tendencies are so deeply rooted that they have become part of who I am. They are what makes me tick (sometimes twitch) and the only real thing I can do about it is to accept it! This morning I had a worry that got so big I started to sweat. My boyfriend was supposed to go pick up a painting that we had received as a gift from a friend. I called him to remind him of this fact, but every time I called his phone would say “we’re sorry, the person you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time.” My boyfriend never turns off his phone, so this was cause for concern. I tried texting him; nothing. I tried messaging him on Gtalk; nothing. I tried calling our friend to see if she’d seen him yet; nothing! This is when my over active imagination starts to wiggle. I imagined him getting mugged on the street and thrown in a gutter while the robbers made away with his phone. I pictured him going into a store to grab a drink on his way to the subway, when the store suddenly gets held up and he’s shot by a masked gunman! I also thought of train derailments, car accidents, gang warfare and abduction. Finally, boyfriend shows up on Gtalk and casually messages me a ‘good morning’… he’d been sleeping the entire time! The reason his phone wasn’t working was because it had disconnected randomly from the cell network(my phone does that too sometimes, damn Rogers). Sleeping in + disconnected phone = one frazzled Amanda. With apologies, soothing words and promises of pampering me during the weekend, boyfriend was able to get me to stop worrying. I then apologized for my spastic behaviour; he said it was okay and that he understands. Understands! That’s what I’ve needed from myself this entire time, some fucking understanding. Hi, my name is Amanda, I am a worry wart and I understand this. I accept it and am attempting to move on!”
*slow clap*
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Ennui: I have it. Do you?
I haven’t written a blog post in a while now. It’s not because I haven’t had stuff to write about. On the contrary, I've had tons going on: I got props at work from my boss for being so awesome, my beloved childhood pet died (she was 16 years old), I got sick with Norwalk, I got to cover a Paul Okenfold event for a website as a guest blogger and I bought a new coat (yes, another coat… don’t judge!).
I just haven’t been writing because I’ve been lazy.
In fact, I’ve been lazy about everything lately: Making dinner, going swimming, reading… all things I love that I haven’t been doing because I just don’t feel like I have the energy anymore. I just want to sit on the couch and watch The Wire.
Has anyone else felt this disenchanted, ennui-filled, lazy attitude lately? Or is it just me?
I am tempted to blame the weather, but I’m too lazy to go outside, point at the sky and say “this is all your fault!”
I am tempted to blame my job, but I’m too lazy to get into an argument with myself over my direction in life because then I would have to admit to myself how seriously lazy I am… even thinking about being lazy is exhausting and is making me more lazy… if that’s even possible.
I keep waiting for something to happen to drag me out of this funk, but nothing has happened yet. And quite frankly, waiting is making me want to be lazy some more. Before, I was in a creative funk, but this blog dragged me out of it. Now I’m in an “ennui” funk and I’m not sure what to do about it… I’ve never had ennui before; I’ve been disenchanted often, but never ennui! Like all questions in life I turn to the great giver of information… I Googled it. And for once in my life Google has failed me. There is no real cure for ennui… the best suggestion was to exercise *rolls eyes*. Like I said before, even swimming doesn’t interest me, and that’s like my favourite thing in the whole world! I write this blog post, not as a documentation of my lazy ennui (because that would be boring), but as a cry for help. Anyone with suggestions on how to make my ennui go away would be greatly appreciated. All suggestions must be submitted in writing for posterity’s sake. Thank you.
I just haven’t been writing because I’ve been lazy.
In fact, I’ve been lazy about everything lately: Making dinner, going swimming, reading… all things I love that I haven’t been doing because I just don’t feel like I have the energy anymore. I just want to sit on the couch and watch The Wire.
Has anyone else felt this disenchanted, ennui-filled, lazy attitude lately? Or is it just me?
I am tempted to blame the weather, but I’m too lazy to go outside, point at the sky and say “this is all your fault!”
I am tempted to blame my job, but I’m too lazy to get into an argument with myself over my direction in life because then I would have to admit to myself how seriously lazy I am… even thinking about being lazy is exhausting and is making me more lazy… if that’s even possible.
I keep waiting for something to happen to drag me out of this funk, but nothing has happened yet. And quite frankly, waiting is making me want to be lazy some more. Before, I was in a creative funk, but this blog dragged me out of it. Now I’m in an “ennui” funk and I’m not sure what to do about it… I’ve never had ennui before; I’ve been disenchanted often, but never ennui! Like all questions in life I turn to the great giver of information… I Googled it. And for once in my life Google has failed me. There is no real cure for ennui… the best suggestion was to exercise *rolls eyes*. Like I said before, even swimming doesn’t interest me, and that’s like my favourite thing in the whole world! I write this blog post, not as a documentation of my lazy ennui (because that would be boring), but as a cry for help. Anyone with suggestions on how to make my ennui go away would be greatly appreciated. All suggestions must be submitted in writing for posterity’s sake. Thank you.
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